A Poignant Goodbye
- I miss you so much….
You swooped in and stole my heart with your kind words and visions of our future. We were so close to starting an adventure together. You helped me open my eyes to new possibilities. You had the stressful, exciting, non-stop life of glamour and lights. I had the life of picket fences, ice cream trucks, and laughing kids. I wanted you in my picture, you had your own. Fate kept finding ways to keep us apart, and just when we thought we’d won, fate took you away forever.
I fell in love with you quickly and easily, but as quickly as you became an unforgettable part of my life, you left it.
I hope that wherever and whatever you are now, you can enjoy yourself without the pain and guilt you carried. You will always be an important part of my story as you will always be in my heart and memories.
I will love you forever.
Perhaps angels were never meant to walk among us for long…
“Death gave her angel wings were once was a shoulder smooth as raven’s claw….”
Goodbye my loves….
Life is not a fucking fairytale. It seldom has happy ever after endings. This is one of the very bad ones.
My angel left me! The end was an unforseen arrow out of the dark.
I am thankful that my beautiful girl did not have to suffer the pain and indignity of dying from cancer.
I am thankful that she had these last few months of happiness with her beloved Evelyn.
I am thankful that she had very little pain in the end.
I am thankful that she and I had this time to hold each other before we had to say goodbye. Many people don’t.
I am alone now.
Goodbye my lovely girl. I will never let your memory dim in my mind or my heart and I promise to look after your beloved until she is strong enough to fly on her own.
Life will somehow go on.
He swept me off my feet. He was everything I thought I wanted. I began to sneak into the house to sleep with him..or he would come to me. You and I fought continually. Your instincts were much better than mine!
I told him about my band nickname: bad angel and he took me to a tattoo artists who gave me my exquisite angel. He laughed at the pain I experienced. I should have seen the signs.
The drive back to San Diego was silent…worry on your part and resentment on mine.
I continued to see him after we came back. I would travel to LA or he would send his plane for me…
He asked me to move in with him…I agreed. You were horrified and begged me not to do it! Once again, I left you…
At first everything was like a fairytale…he and I laughed and played and loved. Then I began to notice that we never went out…that he always had me followed “for my protection”. I began to realize that I had traded my freedom for a guilded cage. He and began to argue bitterly. Then, one day while he was at work, I packed my bags and fled back to you….
And you were waiting with open arms and love and comfort…
Life fell back into our old routines.
It was Halloween night. We were dressing up and going to a big party. You went out to get us cocktail makings when it happened…
He found me. He tried to wrestle me out of the house and into his car. I fought physically. He began to get enraged. And then he started beating me…quite cleverly and ruthlessly. Hitting me on the breasts and stomach were the bruises would not be seen. I collapsed and fell to the floor, curled into a fetal ball. He was kicking me on the back and butt when you came in the door. I will never forget your scream. You broke a blood vessel in your eye, you screamed so loud. Through a haze of pain, I saw you attack him and pull him off of me…you were so magnificent! He could have turned on you, but you never hesitated. I think it was the surprise that caused him to flee….
I was broken….half conscious…and already bruising. You somehow carried me to your car and took me to the ER….both of us sobbing….sobbing.
I had broken ribs and bruised kidneys…both of which healed eventually. You wanted me to press charges…but I refused. I still had my dream and I knew it would end if I brought the police into the matter.
I will always remember how you fought for me….I am alive today because you loved me enough to put your own life on the line for me….
I know the horror and humiliation of being beaten by a man. I support many charities for battered women now!
As for him…everytime I see his face on the TV…I spit at it. That is Hollywoods dark underbelly…
I love you so Monica….
Our first house party…..LOL
How excited we were about this job! We had no clue about how to run a house party. We only had each other and a great deal of enthusiasm. And we were so surprised when what we thought of as an exorbitant fee was readily accepted…starry eyed…both of us!
The long nights researching on the computer, making lists….and then making lists of our lists!
We were both “bright-eyed” and “bushy tailed” the day we left for Taos. It was a long drive…but never boring with you by my side. We chatted and sang and held hands…our big adventure had started.
Taos was beautiful. All pastel adobe buildings and greenery. How you laughed at my amazement about the forest. I had thought we were going to desert…
We quickly installed ourselves in the guest house. It was decided that I would cook and you would clean…how very naive we were! Laughing….
The guests arrived the next day! Thank god they were all men, and easy going as we fumbled our way through this first houseparty…everyone laughing and dancing…
And there was HIM. A celebrity. Beautiful…and charming…and deadly.
Our Life Together…cont.
Many events have passed since I last posted to this blog. Our life is not static…things happen..some happy..some distressing. So to continue our story so that people will understand the enormity of our commitment to each other!
That first party for one of the Hollywood glitteratti….ah yes, I remember it well.. You and I worked and worked and worked to make everything “perfect” Which, in hindsight, was hilarious because it was a bunch of guys playing poker!
But we were convinced that this was our breakthrough into the clientele we needed. We dressed in our naughties minis and flounced off to woo the crowd! You were spectacular….
It worked! The men were totally eating out of our hands. I remember when our eyes met across the room…both sets full of the realization of where we were heading.
We passed out our newly minted business cards and waited and waited and waited! I was despondent….but you never lost faith in me or my dream. If you hadn’t been there at this time….I would have given up!
Finally, we got a phone call. One of the guests was having a houseparty in Taos New Mexico…He wished for us to host the party. I was “over-the-moon” and quickly took the job. We knew nothing about what we were getting into….Laughing…
In hindsite, I would wish we had never gone to Taos! It led to the most terrifying and distressing moment in my life!
It also gave me my beautiful “bad angel”…..
If you hadn’t been with me, I surely would have died! I owe you everything and I will stand by you as you did me….
Next post: The darkest dark before the dawn!
Today is my wedding day!
I never thought I would be able to say that! I am frightened by the enormity of the whole thing, but as with my cancer, I am going to fight for life.
I look to the future and see my beautiful bride and my beautiful Collette’s child on my lap.
I am frightened….but I have so very much to fight for now!
Monica Speaks to Evelyn
You are everything soft in my life! Your smell…the feeling of your soft skin against mine….your taste….You are my love.
I am so sorry I forgot this for a moment in my preoccupation with death!
I love you, Evelyn Walker….will you marry me? I want to show you off to the world!
I want to care for you…and while life is still with us, show you how much you mean to me! And if death is my lot, I will always be a part of you!
We must face the realities of my disease, my dear, but with you..and my other great love, Collette, both by my side, I am ready to fight.
Let’s kick some butt!
I’m not afraid of dying. All of us have to come to that end. I find, though, that I have much to live for! When I first heard about my cancer, I gave up and just laid down to die! That was absolutely the wrong thing to do…You must NEVER give up on life!
We did very well for ourselves with our little party business. You quit your job to run our business while I went back to school to take business administration and accounting classes. I kept explaining to you that I needed to know how to run the company I envisioned. You were often frustrated during this period. Content with your lot in life, your friends…our little beach house…But I….I saw something else in our future and I was restless and unsatisfied…..
We had one of the worse fights of our lives when I told you I was expanding our business to LA. Yet once again you followed my lead despite your deep misgiving….
For months we shuttled back and forth between San Diego and Los Angeles. And then…the brealthrough!!! A younger son of a star had been at a concert party of ours…he approached me to request us to throw a poker party for he and his friends! It sounds so tiny and insignificant now…but to us then….it meant everything.
You began to believe in my dream…really believe..
It was the beginning of the brightest time of our lives….and the darkest event in our lives together. Through it all….you held my hand and we danced….